The Things No One Told Me About Grief

The past 6 and a half months have been full of experiences and emotions that I never expected or hoped to have.
Grief is this weird thing you always hear about and maybe have learned about the different stages. Grief is something that seems like a textbook answer of how to be sad. It doesn't seem like a real thing that happens until it smacks you in the face and knocks you on the ground before you could comprehend what happened. I had been sad but I had never experienced sadness. As a happy person, I have always seen the glass as half full. Until one day there is suddenly no water in the glass at all. It's empty. You know the glass will be filled again someday but you are thirsty now. I wanted to share my experiences with an empty glass. Here's some things no one told me about grief:

1. GUILT - okay so maybe someone did tell me about this one but I didn't think that it was real. Why would someone feel guilty for an unexpected death that they literally had no control over? Good question. Maybe it's a failed mother's natural instinct to protect her children. Maybe our brain's are wired to think of how we could have changed the outcome. Its incredible the things your mind can think up. If only I drank less diet coke... If only I asked to be induced early... If only's that would never have made a difference. The truth is that this was God's will and there's nothing I could have done to change that. I trust him. It's hard to accept there isn't something I can do differently next time to prevent this but I've let go of the thought I did something wrong to cause this. 

2. You get used to the appalling unintentional rude comments - At first it kicks you in the gut, then you start laughing at all the different comments you hear. You learn that people genuinely feel bad and don't know how to express comfort and that's okay. Death makes people uncomfortable. It made me uncomfortable before I joined the club. People don't mean to be rude and most of the time are trying to show empathy, give them a break. 

3. The Meltdowns - You can be totally fine one minute and the next minute be falling into a pile of tears on the bathroom floor without any triggers. It's seriously become laughable. Some days I'm just like "oh yeah hey, I'm just crying. It's fine" 

4. You won't always be sad - The first few months, every time I laughed or realized that I was happy, I felt extremely guilty. You feel like you shouldn't allow yourself to be happy because you are missing your child but I am a firm believe that Rylie wants me to be happy and I want to be happy for her. Allow yourself to laugh and to feel happiness. There are enough sad moments, embrace the happy ones when they come. When your child dies, it feels like your whole world stops and the rest of the world keeps moving and you can't keep up. No surprise, your life keeps going like the rest of the world, no matter how much you don't want it to. Spend the time being happy.

5. Big Green Monster comes out to play - This one is my least favorite. I didn't even know I could ever be jealous of someone talking about changing diapers or getting no sleep. After losing Rylie, it magically seemed like everyone I knew was suddenly pregnant or having babies with no complications. You learn to force yourself to think about a happy reunion in Heaven or else you'll be flooded with thoughts of things they would be doing or how different life would be. Some days, I am so mad at myself for having these feelings. I have never been a jealous person and usually have an easy time being genuinely happy for others. But I've never wanted what someone else had more than seeing a women holding her baby. My arms feel empty most of the time. Thanks to all the ladies who have let me hold their babies and fill that emptiness for a short time.

6. Your circle is bigger than you think - I feel like it gets easier and easier to lose touch with friends but thanks to social media, I was blessed to remember how many people we have in our circle. People I haven't talked to since high school or earlier posted messages of hope and said prayers for our family. These prayers carried us. Not only friends, but strangers are part of your circle. I had someone from our ward that had just moved in and I hadn't even met yet drop off a blanket and a sweet note on our doorstep. I will never forget standing up and seeing so many dear friends that came to Rylie's funeral. People drove through a snow storm to be there, many friends got caught in the snow storm, family that bought expensive last minute flights, almost all my friends from work were there, my doctor, nurses. So much love for our daughter and for us. People care and want to help. The selfless service continues to this day for us and there is no way I could ever repay or express the amount of gratitude I have for everyone who has helped us and loved us. 

My love for Rylie continues to grow and I miss her everyday but my faith has been strengthened that this is not the end. We will be together again and I can't wait to hold her in my arms. I promise to live a life of serving others to honor her. I know that's what she wants and what she would do if she were here. 

My mom planned and organized a Baby Shower Service Project for Foster Babies. I can't think of a better way to honor our sweet baby girl than by helping so many foster babies who are born into less than great situations. Foster babies are often brought to families with nothing more than the diaper and outfit they are wearing. Families are often not given enough notice to gather necessary items. The love and support from friends are strangers was overwhelming. We received over 2000 diapers, hundreds of outfits and other baby items to fill diaper bags with. We filled 6 diaper bags that night and had them donated to the foster agency the next morning. Many diaper bags still to be filled. What an incredible opportunity. So grateful for my mom organizing this to honor Rylie. We plan to continue these efforts and hope to have another event in Utah for Rylie's first birthday. 

To any grieving parent, be kind to yourself, cry when you need to, be happy when you can and serve others with every opportunity. If you have other tips, let me know because it still feels like I'll never get used to this. Every night, I pray for any families that have felt this pain. Recently, I had been praying about how to have hope for the future, instead of fear. I found my answer in the Book of Mormon. Moroni 7:41 says, "And what is it that ye shall have hope for? Behold I say unto you that ye shall have hope through the atonement of Christ and the power of his resurrection, to be raised unto life eternal and this because of your faith in him according to the promise." then the next verse that says, "Wherefore, if a man have faith, he must needs have hope, for without faith there cannot be any hope." I realized I already have hope because I have faith and hope in the Savior and in the atonement. 

Learn of the Savior, he is the source of all hope and light. 

  xo / mother to an angel