Dear Blog,
I've been meaning to write this all down in one place but I'm terrible at remembering to write in my journal, so here we are. I wanted to share the journey of this year and how I've grown as not only a person but a wife, mother, and most importantly, a daughter of God.
Everyone anticipates their first year of marriage to be horrible, difficult and trying. I guess society seems to scream down our throats that "the first year is the hardest." For me, marriage has been the best part about my year. While we have had our fair share of heart-wrenching trials, it truly has brought us closer together and our marriage is what has helped me through this year.
Before I get into the details; the triumphs, the pains, I want to share that through all of this, my testimony has grown so much and my faith has increased in our Heavenly Father's plan for us. He really does know what is around the corner, he knows what trials will bring us to our knees, he knows how to humble us, he knows whats best and as frustrated as I get when my plan seems to fail me, I have learned to trust him because it literally always works out for the better.
At the beginning of this year, I was very happy and comfortable with where my life was. The day after Easter and the few weeks to follow was one hard to forget. I was a few days late for my period but was comforted with a negative pregnancy test. However, while at work one day, I experienced the worst, most intense pain I've ever felt. I quickly excused myself and managed to somehow drive myself the 1 mile to my house praying I would make it home to crumble in tears on my bed. I KNEW something was not right. My sweet husband left work early to take me to Urgent Care. They took my blood and said they would do a pregnancy test and sent me on my way, saying it could be anything from ovarian cysts to a miscarriage. They were not very helpful. The next day, I woke up with so many emotions, still in pain but mostly just sad. I knew in my heart what had happened but was just waiting to be told. Finally, the doctor called with my test results. He said the blood pregnancy test was "Borderline". The doctor told me that this is most common with women who have early miscarriages and given the extreme pain, he thinks this is what had happened. My heart literally broke, not understanding if this meant I could never have children or if Heavenly Father just needed this one back. The next two weeks were painful. I was a zombie. I would go to work, come home and sit in the dark, alone, just sobbing. I would get myself together to go pick up my husband from work and try to put on a brave face that I was doing okay. One particular night, I remember laying there just crying. I WANTED to do something that would make me feel better. I wanted to open my scriptures, I wanted to even turn on a movie, I wanted to go for a walk. I knew all these things would make me feel better but I physically could not move. I prayed and prayed for strength to tell someone what I was feeling so I could get help. I immediately texted my husband and asked for him to give me a Priesthood blessing once he got home from work. After this blessing, I was slowly able to crawl out of the hole of depression. I had never before experienced depression in my life. I can now admire those that struggle and fight with this deep dark place Satan tries to drag us to on a daily basis. The hardest part was feeling like I couldn't tell anyone about this. Now I feel silly for even thinking that, but at the time it was a secret I buried deep that only my husband, mom and sister knew I was going through. Months went by and I was healed by our Savior, and by many hours in the temple and asking for Priesthood blessings from my loving husband. I knew it was a blessing to be a vessel for one of Heavenly Father's precious children to gain a body for the purpose and plan of salvation, feeling extremely grateful for the sealing power that binds my family together forever.
A few short months later, I was weeks late for my period. Not wanting to get my hopes up, I had every excuse in the books (my more frequent gym visits, stress, hormonal imbalances, etc). After I realized how long had gone by, I decided to buy a few pregnancy tests just to be sure. Ryan saw them sitting on the bathroom counter and asked when I was going to take them, I told him I was going to the next morning because I guess morning pee is more accurate than any other time of day. The next morning, I peed on the stick almost passively, expecting the same answer. This time, what felt like immediately it showed a plus sign. I ran in the other room and woke Ryan up to tell him. Not convinced enough, we bought a dozen more digital name-brand tests to confirm. We told our families but I was still so scared of loosing the baby and being left broken again. Although we never planned to have a family this early, I felt so much joy and excitement, everything feeling strangely at peace. The weeks went by and I started to get SO sick. Still not sure why they call it morning sickness because I throw up all day everyday. Then, at 10 weeks pregnant, I suddenly lost my job. I went home middle of the day, conveniently on a day Ryan had off, and cried and cried feeling like the trials were never-ending. We went and sat at the temple while I tried to make sense of God's timing and why I would lose my job right after I found out I was pregnant. I KNEW he had a better plan but I felt so lost as to what it was and why now.
Weeks, then months went by without luck of another job. Every interview that didn't feel right or job that wasn't offered even though I was more than qualified, brought me to my knees everyday. It also helped I was already on my knees most of the time barfing. I finally realized Heavenly Father was giving me this time to get closer to him and to let my body rest and create this child He gave me. I was so sick everyday. I threw up literally everywhere, INSIDE OF MY CAR WHILE DRIVING, countless times on the side of the road, in pretty much every bathroom I encountered. It was ROUGH and it still is difficult even now that I am past the sickness. During this time I was without a job, things were financially hard. I tried everything to get unemployment, any kind of assistance without any success. We are so blessed to have parents who helped us so much and gave so much to help us during this trying time. There were many tears shed in gratitude of the help and love we received. We tried even harder to pay our tithing even when it was most difficult because we knew if we payed, miracles could happen. Not too long after, I GOT A JOB, one that I actually LOVE and that isn't so taxing on my child-bearing body. Right after I got this job, Ryan got a promotion at his job. SO MANY BLESSINGS. I seriously just cry to God at how grateful I am that he knows what's best. He knew I was so sick I wouldn't have been able to work during that time, He knew I needed a desk job at a company where there is opportunity for growth, He knew we stayed faithful during one of the most trying times and blessed us with the income to now be able to provide for our baby coming in February.
We also found out, we are having A GIRL. I was literally convinced we are 100% having a boy because a girl would be too good to be true and God would know I'd spend too much money on clothes, but we are so excited for our sweet daughter to join our family. Feeling her kick and punch me in the ribs is such a blessing, even though its extremely uncomfortable. I pray that we can raise her to love the Lord and trust in his plan for her life. I pray I can teach her to be strong and steadfast in Christ.
One year ago, I couldn't have even guessed what trials and what extreme happiness we would experience. At every point in my life, God has a funny way of showing me how silly my plan for myself was. He knows beginning to end, he knows even if we don't understand everything and even if it hurts him to watch us struggle or feel sadness, he KNOWS it's what we need, he knows what will help us become the people he needs us to be and ultimately what will lead us back to him.
I've been meaning to write this all down in one place but I'm terrible at remembering to write in my journal, so here we are. I wanted to share the journey of this year and how I've grown as not only a person but a wife, mother, and most importantly, a daughter of God.
Everyone anticipates their first year of marriage to be horrible, difficult and trying. I guess society seems to scream down our throats that "the first year is the hardest." For me, marriage has been the best part about my year. While we have had our fair share of heart-wrenching trials, it truly has brought us closer together and our marriage is what has helped me through this year.
Before I get into the details; the triumphs, the pains, I want to share that through all of this, my testimony has grown so much and my faith has increased in our Heavenly Father's plan for us. He really does know what is around the corner, he knows what trials will bring us to our knees, he knows how to humble us, he knows whats best and as frustrated as I get when my plan seems to fail me, I have learned to trust him because it literally always works out for the better.
At the beginning of this year, I was very happy and comfortable with where my life was. The day after Easter and the few weeks to follow was one hard to forget. I was a few days late for my period but was comforted with a negative pregnancy test. However, while at work one day, I experienced the worst, most intense pain I've ever felt. I quickly excused myself and managed to somehow drive myself the 1 mile to my house praying I would make it home to crumble in tears on my bed. I KNEW something was not right. My sweet husband left work early to take me to Urgent Care. They took my blood and said they would do a pregnancy test and sent me on my way, saying it could be anything from ovarian cysts to a miscarriage. They were not very helpful. The next day, I woke up with so many emotions, still in pain but mostly just sad. I knew in my heart what had happened but was just waiting to be told. Finally, the doctor called with my test results. He said the blood pregnancy test was "Borderline". The doctor told me that this is most common with women who have early miscarriages and given the extreme pain, he thinks this is what had happened. My heart literally broke, not understanding if this meant I could never have children or if Heavenly Father just needed this one back. The next two weeks were painful. I was a zombie. I would go to work, come home and sit in the dark, alone, just sobbing. I would get myself together to go pick up my husband from work and try to put on a brave face that I was doing okay. One particular night, I remember laying there just crying. I WANTED to do something that would make me feel better. I wanted to open my scriptures, I wanted to even turn on a movie, I wanted to go for a walk. I knew all these things would make me feel better but I physically could not move. I prayed and prayed for strength to tell someone what I was feeling so I could get help. I immediately texted my husband and asked for him to give me a Priesthood blessing once he got home from work. After this blessing, I was slowly able to crawl out of the hole of depression. I had never before experienced depression in my life. I can now admire those that struggle and fight with this deep dark place Satan tries to drag us to on a daily basis. The hardest part was feeling like I couldn't tell anyone about this. Now I feel silly for even thinking that, but at the time it was a secret I buried deep that only my husband, mom and sister knew I was going through. Months went by and I was healed by our Savior, and by many hours in the temple and asking for Priesthood blessings from my loving husband. I knew it was a blessing to be a vessel for one of Heavenly Father's precious children to gain a body for the purpose and plan of salvation, feeling extremely grateful for the sealing power that binds my family together forever.
A few short months later, I was weeks late for my period. Not wanting to get my hopes up, I had every excuse in the books (my more frequent gym visits, stress, hormonal imbalances, etc). After I realized how long had gone by, I decided to buy a few pregnancy tests just to be sure. Ryan saw them sitting on the bathroom counter and asked when I was going to take them, I told him I was going to the next morning because I guess morning pee is more accurate than any other time of day. The next morning, I peed on the stick almost passively, expecting the same answer. This time, what felt like immediately it showed a plus sign. I ran in the other room and woke Ryan up to tell him. Not convinced enough, we bought a dozen more digital name-brand tests to confirm. We told our families but I was still so scared of loosing the baby and being left broken again. Although we never planned to have a family this early, I felt so much joy and excitement, everything feeling strangely at peace. The weeks went by and I started to get SO sick. Still not sure why they call it morning sickness because I throw up all day everyday. Then, at 10 weeks pregnant, I suddenly lost my job. I went home middle of the day, conveniently on a day Ryan had off, and cried and cried feeling like the trials were never-ending. We went and sat at the temple while I tried to make sense of God's timing and why I would lose my job right after I found out I was pregnant. I KNEW he had a better plan but I felt so lost as to what it was and why now.
Weeks, then months went by without luck of another job. Every interview that didn't feel right or job that wasn't offered even though I was more than qualified, brought me to my knees everyday. It also helped I was already on my knees most of the time barfing. I finally realized Heavenly Father was giving me this time to get closer to him and to let my body rest and create this child He gave me. I was so sick everyday. I threw up literally everywhere, INSIDE OF MY CAR WHILE DRIVING, countless times on the side of the road, in pretty much every bathroom I encountered. It was ROUGH and it still is difficult even now that I am past the sickness. During this time I was without a job, things were financially hard. I tried everything to get unemployment, any kind of assistance without any success. We are so blessed to have parents who helped us so much and gave so much to help us during this trying time. There were many tears shed in gratitude of the help and love we received. We tried even harder to pay our tithing even when it was most difficult because we knew if we payed, miracles could happen. Not too long after, I GOT A JOB, one that I actually LOVE and that isn't so taxing on my child-bearing body. Right after I got this job, Ryan got a promotion at his job. SO MANY BLESSINGS. I seriously just cry to God at how grateful I am that he knows what's best. He knew I was so sick I wouldn't have been able to work during that time, He knew I needed a desk job at a company where there is opportunity for growth, He knew we stayed faithful during one of the most trying times and blessed us with the income to now be able to provide for our baby coming in February.
We also found out, we are having A GIRL. I was literally convinced we are 100% having a boy because a girl would be too good to be true and God would know I'd spend too much money on clothes, but we are so excited for our sweet daughter to join our family. Feeling her kick and punch me in the ribs is such a blessing, even though its extremely uncomfortable. I pray that we can raise her to love the Lord and trust in his plan for her life. I pray I can teach her to be strong and steadfast in Christ.
One year ago, I couldn't have even guessed what trials and what extreme happiness we would experience. At every point in my life, God has a funny way of showing me how silly my plan for myself was. He knows beginning to end, he knows even if we don't understand everything and even if it hurts him to watch us struggle or feel sadness, he KNOWS it's what we need, he knows what will help us become the people he needs us to be and ultimately what will lead us back to him.
This was the plan that always was HIS.
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