The Elephant In The Room

I've written and re-written this for weeks now. Unsure and worried of sharing too much or too little. I want to share Rylie's story in hopes that her life will continue to inspire others and spread a message of God's love to everyone.

Rylie was due on Valentine's Day. That night, Ryan made us a wonderful candle-lit dinner and then we read some of our letters to each other from our missions and then we went to sleep, anxious and hopeful for Rylie's arrival. I woke up in the middle of the night with chills and vomiting, which lead to intense contractions. We decided to go to the hospital, thinking it was time for Rylie to arrive. We grabbed our hospital bags, the diaper bag and a barf bucket since I was still not feeling well. We left our house in perfect condition to bring our daughter home to. Everything was ready for her.

We got to the hospital a little after 6AM. Once I was in triage and hooked up to the monitors, my nurse said she thought I just had the flu and that I wasn't in labor and most likely would not be having a baby today. They put me on fluids to slow down the contractions. After less than an hour of being monitored and suffering the uncomfortable contractions, they noticed that Rylie's heart rate was dropping significantly with each contraction. They had me change positions and it wasn't making a difference. Before we knew it, the nurse told us there was a 90% chance they would need to deliver her by C-section and that our doctor would be in shortly. My heart dropped and everything after this point turned into one big blur. Within minutes, the doctor explained he wanted to do an epidural because it was safer for baby than putting me under. Ryan asked them if he had time to give me a blessing and they responded "It needs to be quick, very quick." 

What felt like seconds later, I was wheeled back into the operating room. It felt like I was having a terrible dream after watching too many Grey's Anatomy episodes. There were probably 20 people running around prepping everything. Ryan was right by my head and I just kept telling him not to look. I felt so much pain in my shoulders, which I guess is pretty common. Once Ryan told me she was out and I never heard a cry, I knew something was wrong. The nurses told me they had to revive her and they were getting fluid out of her lungs. I laid there while watching nurses running in and out of the operating room. It felt like chaos and I couldn't do anything but watch.

Rylie Rosemary Nonu was born at 8:32AM, 8 lbs 4 oz and 20 inches long. She was perfect. After they finished sewing me up, they wheeled me over to where she was. My beautiful, absolutely perfect daughter. I looked into her eyes and got to hold her hand. All I wanted was to hold her. She had my hair and forehead and Ryan's nose and lips. In that moment, I finally was able to understand how much my mom loves me. It felt like I grew an entirely new heart that was completely hers. She looked at us with so much love as if she knew we were her parents.

Everything after this part is painful to even type. They explained to us they were going to life-flight her to Utah Valley hospital in Provo because they have a better NICU. They wheeled Rylie back into my room one more time before life-flighting her. They told me she would most likely be in the NICU for 3 weeks for monitoring because she had so much fluid in her lungs. At that point I was mostly angry that they were taking my baby away from me and that we wouldn't be able to bring her home for so long. Looking back now, I long for that to have been our outcome. A few hours passed as we tried to get some rest from the stressful morning we just had. If our whole world hadn't already changed, the call from the head NICU doctor at Utah Valley definitely did it. I can still remember specifically her voice saying, "she's not going to make it, i'm so sorry." She said it over and over again. All I could do was cry. Ryan immediately headed to Provo to be with our daughter. Panic filled my little hospital room on the "Mother & Baby" floor. The next few hours were filled with lots of tears and prayers. Luckily, this is when I was able to be with my mom. My mom being there somehow made everything much less painful. Rylie's stability continued to decrease, so much that they said they would not be able to transport her to Primary Children's hospital in Salt Lake. After only minutes and lots of prayers, Rylie's stability sky-rocketed for them to be able to life-flight her once more to Primary's. At Primary's, Rylie received a surgery that was her last chance. The surgery was successful and the doctors told us we just needed to see if she made it through the night. 

That night, I waited to see my phone ringing to give me bad news. I had faith in the fact that God could provide a miracle and I felt all the prayers of all our friends and family. With that said, I knew deep down in my heart that she wasn't going to make it. I knew that feeling was God preparing me for the inevitable. I think the stress and my broken-heart led to me having my own complications. My heart rate was alarmingly low and my oxygen levels were all out of whack. I spent the whole night between having tests done on myself and checking my phone for an update from Ryan. A little after 6:30am I got the dreaded call from Ryan. He was calm but I could hear the tears behind his words. I wanted nothing more than to be with my husband and to be able to say goodbye to our daughter together. Via Facetime, I listened and watched my strong and faithful husband give the most beautiful blessing to our baby girl. My heart sank as I watched Ryan become a father and hold Rylie with so much love. 

Rylie passed away at 7:05am on February 16th. Although she was only here on earth for 23 hours, I know it's not the end. I truly believe with all my heart that she was too perfect for this world. Heavenly Father needed her for a far greater purpose. I'm grateful to have been given this special calling to be her mother. I believe we all rejoiced at The Plan of Salvation before this life and for the chance we had to receive bodies and return to our heavenly home through the Atonement of our Savior. I'm sure God and I had a conversation that this would happen. I'm positive he reminded me then of the beautiful promises of eternity with my daughter. I haven't understood everything about the gospel my whole life. Let's be honest, I still have a long way to go. But there is one thing that has always been most important to me, temple marriage. From a young age, I dreamed of getting married in the prettiest of castles; the temple. That was always the priority and plan in my life, no matter what else happened. I couldn't be more grateful now that I made the choices to lead me to a temple marriage with the most spiritual giant of a companion. Because Ryan and I were sealed together for time and all eternity by priesthood authority, we are linked together forever. As long as we remain faithful, we will be together after this life with our children. Also the scripture, "all children who die before they arrive at the years of accountability are saved in celestial kingdom of heaven." I have never been more grateful for this truth. 

Funeral plans and heavy conversations filled the next week. When tragedy strikes, you learn how many people you have in your circle supporting you. We both felt strangely calm. The immense outpouring of the spirit was overwhelming. It's hard to explain. We felt every prayer and felt encircled by angels with love, similar to how you feel as a missionary with half the world praying for you. Coming home was hard. Although I wanted to be out of the hospital so bad, coming home made it all real. It felt like I was just having a bad dream and that i'd wake up and still be pregnant. I got angry everytime I woke up and had to face what really happened, that still happens some mornings. I had some of the most spiritual experiences in the days following Rylie's death and especially in our home. I cannot deny how much our Heavenly Father and the Savior love us. I cannot deny how much our daughter loves us. I know without a shadow of a doubt she is with them, preparing our heavenly home. Many have said "you guys don't deserve this" or "why do bad things happen to good people" From my experience, YES, it sucks that I never got to hold my daughter or that I won't get to see her for a really really long time but this is not something God caused because we deserved it or because he's punishing us. I'm a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. I believe God needed Rylie for a better reason and someday we'll know why. Jeffrey R Holland once said, "He is your Heavenly Father & he surely matches with His own the tears His children shed." Maybe bad things happen to good people because Heavenly Father knows we can endure the trial without losing our faith in Him, maybe we agreed to go through this before we came to earth and maybe it will help us grow and increase faith in Him. Whatever the reason, I know He doesn't allow these things to happen just to make us hurt or cause pain in our life. But He knows we WILL have pain. We will all go through trials that really are more than we can bare alone. That is why we have a Savior who knows exactly how we feel and who suffered so he can help us while we have these trials. 

Even though "the sting of death is swallowed up in Christ", it still stings, A LOT. The knowledge of the plan of salvation does not eliminate grief. Although I am not angry at God, I cry to him DAILY. My selfish nature often asks him why this had to be my trial or why I couldn't had swapped trials with another. I know, I'm working on that. Ryan has been my rock. He holds me while I cry and always seems to lift my spirits and calm my heart. I hope to someday be able to help him as much as he has helped me. I never expected that at the age of 24 I'd be burying my first child. I try everyday to figure out how to go on and why the world keeps turning when mine stands still. I miss Rylie every minute of everyday. A part of me will never be the same because now I am a mother to an angel and there aren't as many parenting books on that part. We are still parents even though we have an empty crib. Instead of changing diapers, we change the flowers on her grave. We don't lose sleep from cries of a hungry newborn but we wake up crying from nightmares just to realize that reality is worse. 

Rylie has changed my life forever and I want to leave a legacy for her, I am motivated to be a much better friend, sister and person because of her. I want her life to mean something and make a difference for others. The first time me and Ryan got to talk alone after she passed away, we talked about making her life meaningful and doing service in her name. Then at her funeral when our Bishop spoke, he challenged everyone to do an act of service and dedicate it to Rylie, letting her motivate and lead their service. My heart is so full with the many people who have reached out to me and told me the acts of service they have done in Rylie's name. I am so grateful that my beautiful baby can inspire us to touch other's lives. I feel her with me everyday and motivating me to do good and be a better person. I love this eternal family of mine and can't wait to be with them forever. 

Families really are forever.